Lean on Me

Just letting ya know right now, this post might be the most emotionally-filled writing I’ve ever typed. Kinda like drunk freestylin’ except everything I’m gonna say is exactly what I’m thinking at the precise second from the heart (not the noggin) – and I’m sober.

The past two weeks have been a living nightmare for me. Sure I had 3 tough exams right after another, but the toughest test was beyond pencil and paper. My scenario was a test of strength – to be strong for my younger siblings and for my mom & dad. You see, my family is pretty big and to most of you guys who know me, we seem like a happy and cohesive family. In reality we may be one of the most dysfunctional unit you’ve ever come across. Haha. I mean that in the nicest way possible too but we really are different when it comes to behaving at home and behaving out in the public. Now that’s not to say that we’re acting a certain way around people, but rather we don’t show others that there’s a problem at home. Nor do we talk about it. And I think that’s really a Japanese characteristic because we tend to keep things to ourselves in order to avoid a wrong/bad perception on our family.

Now to the problem: My mom and dad have had some really tough issues with each for quite some time. My mom, being born in a poverish, country-raised 2nd generation family, has one style of parenting while my dad, being born in a wealthy, only son, family from Osaka, has another parenting style. I admit I wasn’t the best kid when I was in highschool, where I would get in BIG fights with my mom. My dad would always have my back and I wasn’t punished/disciplined/grounded for my antics. My mom would always get mad at my dad for overlooking her disciplinary actions on me (makes sense) and felt as if her word meant nothing since I was always left off the hook by my dad. Fast forward to today, my younger sister and brother are now in that same phase I went through. I can only imagine how tough it is to be a parent – let alone raise 5 kids. My mom went through the same exact situation she did with me where my dad would protect my brother and sister even though they should be disciplined for getting driving tickets, bad grades, lying, etc. It got to the point where my mom was just fed up with the bs and left our home about a week ago. I’ve been able to keep in contact with her this whole time so I was glad, but at the same time, she was losing money quick because she would have to pay a lot each night for a place to stay for the night. On top of that, my mom was telling me about getting a divorce and finding her own apartment to live by herself since she felt miserable and unappreciated back at “home”. At that point, I was lost at words and my world seemed to have spiraled down. And I’m not being dramatic, there were a few nights where I got very little sleep and would wake up as if I were drunk. It especially sucked during the nights before my exams. I had to make sure my mom was in a safe and -up-to-par place every night.

Then about 2 days ago, I set up my sister and my mom to sit down and talk to each other since the root cause of all this started from their relationship. I don’t know what the heck happened, but my plan to mend all this was blown up in my face. I get a call from my crying mom saying that she wasn’t needed or wanted back at home so she has to find another place to stay. As the oldest son, I had to drop everything I was doing and figure out what can be done. Keep in mind I’m all the way up in SF. As you know, I went to my homies’ show last night and all but I went out a handful of times because my mom would call me. She was able to stay with her long time friend last night so I was somewhat at ease knowing that she wasn’t by herself that night. Some of my friends know that I’ve been trying to see how long I can endure without drinking a drop of alcohol. I did that because I was afraid to turn to alcohol to get through tough times. I know I’m no alcoholic but it seriously crossed my mind that it was a possibility that I may turn to drinking as an alternative to cope with hard times. Good thing it didn’t come down to that.

SoI found out today that our family friend that my mom spent the night with came over to my home with her husband and spoke with both my mom and dad. I just got back to my apartment from my basketball game with a knee injury so my my heart rate was still high – and the fact that our family friends were speaking with my parents had me nervous because I’ve already had my plan blown up in my face. Tried to get my mind off of all this by eating (it’s ok, I don’t get fat for some reason) and finally received a text from my dad. I was terrified in reading the text so I had to collect myself before opening the message. Have you ever seen a person win a plane filled with a liftime supply of Abbazabbas, $20 million, and Olivia Munn giving all this to you in person? Me neither but imagine all that. That’s how happy I was when I read my dad’s text. Basically they were going to work it out and try to mend things together. Who am I to lie, I’m one emotional one of a guy. I think I was more relieved that my parents are back together and my youngest brother can see my mom at home again. This is one of those times that I want to always remember if I ever become a dad (seriously, no rush). I’ve learned so much about myself through this experience and it even amazed my mom because I seemed so different (more mature) when I would talk to her on the phone.

As bad as it sounds, I wish this whole thing could’ve happened this week instead of last week because I don’t have any exams this week. Well, this was just a big-o test for me to see if I can work under personal problems and pressure I guess. Hopefully I passed. I kinda don’t care what I got on my exams as much because things are getting better at home. Oh yeah, Takuma only writes posts that have happy endings to the story.

Before I forget, I want to thank my friends and family friends for lending my family and I a helping hand. If that’s not you, I’m sorry I just don’t like raining on other people’s parades but I had to give my words of appreciation to those who knew my situation. I know ya’ll would’ve helped me if I told you guys.

“Sometimes in our lives//We all have pain//We all have sorrow//But if we are wise//We know that there’s always tomorrow.”

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